Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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