Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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