i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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