I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
