I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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