i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
