i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
