I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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