Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
