It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
