this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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