it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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