Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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