How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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