You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
