also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
