Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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