Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
