You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
