This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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