We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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