did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
two words: eviction party
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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