i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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