last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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