The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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