why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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