dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
