Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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