I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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