boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
