Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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