I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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