before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
