Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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