My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
