It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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