Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
