I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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