I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize