i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
