Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
