I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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