Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
