my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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