just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You ate ashes out of my bong
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize