benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
