i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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