I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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