I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
