i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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