So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
