he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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