How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
