Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
