So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize