Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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