He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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