He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
