he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize