I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize