I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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