i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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