she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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