Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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