I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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