found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
